Murder: This is Murder Legendre, welcoming you to a very special installment of The Hell You Say!  Very special because we have been granted an audience with the Lord Of Flies himself, Satan, The Devil.  The Devil has agreed to be on our little interview program to discuss the portrayal of the Horned One in cinema.  Satan, The Devil, it's truly a privilege to have you with us on the show.

Satan, The Devil: Please, just call me "Harry".

Murder: Harry?

Harry: Yes.

Murder: I'm honored, Harry.  Tell, me, do you go to the movies often?

Harry: Well, as you know I'm reluctant to comment on my exact form and proximity in space and time, but, just between you and me, while Hollywood is a source of evil as never before, Drive-In was king.  I feel that when Drive-In was cast down into the pit, cinema lost something integral.  It's organic beauty.  It's individuality.  It's body-hair.  Whatever you prefer to call it.  It was a generational thing, certainly.  The 1960's were a prosperous time for "wickedness", as free expression is often referred to.  Since then, movie theaters have turned have into utterly impersonal bee-hives dispensing hive-entertainment for drone-like audiences.  Besides that, there was a lot of sex, underage drinking and drug-use at Drive-Ins.

Murder: So you just wait for the DVD?

Harry: Right, though I still have something like seventy million videotapes to burn to disc.  And I have a feeling I'll get screwed on that format, too.

Murder: I hear ya.  Do you have any say about the movies that are made about you?  I mean, are you a trademark?

Harry: Nothing like that, although I will see the violating film-maker in Hell, eventually.  I'm talking to you, MEL GIBSON! (laughs)  Naw, just kidding.

Murder: Is there a particular way that you prefer to see yourself portrayed?

Harry: Well, there is a tradition of mocking the devil going back to the church-sponsored pageants of the Middle Ages, but obviously I'm not the screaming, spastic, ridiculous knuckle-head you occasionally see in pictures.  I was an angel once, so give me some credit.  Truth be known, it makes me laugh.  Why would someone of my stature have anything to do with green puke?

Murder: And that's the first movie on my list, naturally, The Exorcist.

Harry: (laughs)  Yeah, well, you know...  Let me ask you, Murder, how many kids do you think are killed each year during botched "exorcisms"?  Do you really imagine I'm behind all of those?  Am I responsible for the ravages of religious dysfunction?

Murder: I hadn't thought about that.

Harry: Right!  What would be the point?  A weak-minded person can be nudged over the edge to homicidal fury with minimal effort.  At least temporarily.  There is no need for me to possess anyone, really.  The Exorcist was a passion-play of paranoid pulpit propaganda.  A psychological exploitation film.  Just like the Gibson movie.  Both movies had the flock scrambling back to church in a panic.  Regardless, the demon who possesses little Regan is actually identified as Pazuzu.  Because of HIM, people think I make children flog themselves sexually with crucifixes and twist their heads around.  Honestly, in this day and age...

Murder: In Rosemary's Baby you conceived your own child.

Harry: Adorable film.  I do love a happy ending.  But, to be honest,  I never try to have children anymore.  Every time, they rebel, and every time, I have to eat them.

Murder: Sorry to hear that.

Harry: But at least I have Rosemary's Baby, right?

Murder: Your progeny had political ambitions in The Omen.

Harry: Yeah, well mum is the word on the whole Antichrist thing, but I have plenty of political access without bringing some psychotic brat into the mix.  The Omen is just a sort of supernatural slasher movie.  And what is with all of the telekinesis and things flying around in these flicks, anyway?  People seem to think I'm some kind of petty poltergeist.  BOOGA BOOGA!

Murder: Interesting.  These are the major films having to do with the figure of the Devil, but you appear in dozens of films throughout the years, beginning with Georges Méliès La Manoir Du Diable in 1896.  To what do you attribute this persistent fascination with the image of the devil?

Harry: Shrewd filmmakers recognize that all things stylish, sexy and fun emanate from me.  Look at all of the "cool" actors who have played me- Vincent Price, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro, Viggo Mortensen.  I never go out of fashion.  Again, it goes back to the medieval passion plays.  I'm prominent in Romantic literature, too.  There are the hip homages.  There are the morality plays.  There is the goofy exploitation.  And you think those Hollywood freaks don't revere me?  Scientology my ass!  Just see how fast that L. Ron Hubbard self-actualization crap will land you an eight-figure deal at Paramount. Michael Eisner has been whipping himself into a frenzy of pagan adulation every full moon.  And it's just naturally good luck to put me in your movie, somewhere.  I'm the patron saint of entertainment.

Murder:  In a great many of these movies you appear for only a moment, frequently at the climax.

Harry:  If the devil is in human guise, he qualifies for more screen time.  If the character has horns and a tail, well, he might as well be dressed like Napoleon, because modern audiences are only going to titter, at best.  Yet, who is to say I don't have horns and a tail?  People can't help ridiculing archetypes, particularly as those archetypes fall into disfavor and political incorrectness, as the devil has.  Were I to materialize from a cloud of smoke in the middle of Times Square with horns and a tail, pedestrians would assume that I was some chump promoting a product.  No matter how outlandishly satanic I appear, people will not generally accept me for what I am.  In plain site, I'm cloaked in improbability.  Thus, in film, I can only be glimpsed in a dream.  A psychological representation of something other than what I simply appear to be.  It's my greatest wile.

Murder: On that note, we bid a fiend farewell to the infamous Prince of Darkness and Lord Host of the Underworld, Harry.  Thanks a bunch Harry.  We'll see you in the movies.

Harry: The pleasure is mine, Murder.  And I'll see you next full moon.

Murder: Yes, Master...

(turning to audience) Come back to see us on the next The Hell You Say!, when we speak to Jack The Ripper.  This is Murder Legendre, saying SEE YOU IN HELL!

 

Satan's Select Filmography